Friday, 19 March 2010

12 December 1994

I had a nightmare again last night. The man took me away from Julia and sent me back to live with auntie to make room for the other children here. I didn’t want to go but he made me. He dragged me to the car and Julia welcomed the new children into the house and didn’t even look at me even though I was screaming. When we got to auntie’s house I wouldn’t get out of the car and I bit the man’s hand when he tried to make me and screamed at him. Auntie stood outside the front door grinning at me. My cousins were stood at her side and Joe cracked his knuckles like he always did. I tried to lock the doors but the man kept unlocking them until auntie yanked the car door open. She said, ‘Come in, Sally, there’s buttered scones for tea’ in Julia’s voice. She pulled me out of the car and the man drove off. Auntie lit up a cigarette and blew the smoke in my face. Then she pulled me inside the house and threw me at the door of the red room. I begged her not to put me in there but she said I deserved it for what I had done. She said I was a devil child and needed punishing but it wasn’t me. I never told anyone anything it was Mr. Higgins the supply teacher but she wouldn’t listen. She opened the door, I was so scared, and the red light flooded out. Then I woke up with Julia sitting on my bed. She looked really worried and said I’d been screaming at the top of my lungs. She gave me a really big hug until I went back to sleep. I heard her on the phone to the man earlier and she said that she didn’t think I was ready to have any other children here yet. He seemed to agree with her so it’s just me here for now. Julia wrote down a phone number for someone called Amanda and told the man that she would talk to me about it. She hasn’t said anything yet and I don’t want her to know that I was listening so I won’t say anything.

Samantha E Wills

Monday, 8 March 2010

8th December 1994

I went to Jessica’s last night. Robin Hood is the best film ever! Jessica let me borrow a cassette of the Bryan Adams song ‘Everything I do, I do it for you’ and I’ve been playing it all day today in my room. Julia says she thinks it’s a very nice song but not over and over again so I turned it off. Julia said I didn’t need to do that, I just needed to turn it down a bit so she couldn’t hear it downstairs. Julia is so different to auntie. I don’t understand how some things are ok with Julia but weren’t with auntie. I don’t know if I’m doing right or wrong sometimes, but Julia seems to think I’m ok to be around. She says she likes me being here. I might even get some foster brothers and sisters soon because Julia says the council are talking to her about fostering some more children soon. She says she’ll only do that if it’s ok with me. I like having her to myself at the moment but the man is coming back to check on me and see if Julia can have some more children here. I’ll be very good while he’s here. I don’t want to be taken away from Julia now so I’ll be very good. I hope he lets me stay. I don’t mind if they give Julia more children as long as he lets me stay.

Samantha E Wills

Friday, 26 February 2010

6 December 1994

I’m going over Jessica’s tomorrow. I think we’re watching that Robin Hood film with her mum. Julia has been telling me all about Robin Hood stealing from the rich and giving to the poor. He sounds like a good man. Julia has the cartoon version of Robin Hood and says Jessica can come over here to watch it. I’ll ask her tomorrow if she wants to. I’ve been helping Julia to make a Christmas cake this afternoon after school. She put brandy in it but not as much as auntie used to. Auntie only made the cake because she said the shop bought ones didn’t have enough brandy in them. I stirred the mixture as Julia puts all the things in the bowl. The kitchen smells lovely now, all sweet and fruity. Julia is going to bake it tomorrow and says I can ice it on Christmas Eve. We’re going shopping for things to put on top of the Christmas cake on Friday. Julia says we can get some new Christmas decorations for the tree as well. I can’t wait to see the tree. Arthur is going to pick one up from the nursery next week for Julia and I to decorate. I’m starting to look forward to Christmas already. It sounds like Christmas will be so nice here with Julia and Arthur. I never got anything for Christmas at auntie’s and wasn’t allowed any Christmas dinner. Julia says I will get presents and food and everything here. It’s going to be the best Christmas ever.

Samantha E Wills

Friday, 19 February 2010

29 November 1994

I just got home from Jessica’s. Julia let me go over to Jessica’s house for tea. She lives in a very pretty house at the edge of the village, surrounded by trees. Jessica’s mum called it ‘quaint’ (Julia just told me how to spell that. I think Julia is really rather clever). Jessica lives in a cottage with a big garden. She says we can play in the garden if it snows on Christmas Day. I don’t know if it will snow on Christmas Day but I’d like to play in the snow in Jessica’s garden if it does. Her mum cooked us spaghetti bolognese (Julia helped with that spelling too). I’ve never had it before but it was nice and we had ice cream for afters. Jessica’s room is very small but her mum called it ‘cosy’. She has posters of Take That and someone called Bryan Adams on her wall. She put on the radio and it played a song called ‘Love is all around’ by Wet Wet Wet. I liked the song. Her mum said next time we could watch a film. Jessica said that we could watch her favourite film, Robin Hood, and her mum said only if it was the real one not the cartoon. The man that plays Robin Hood looks like Jessica’s dad, so her mum says. I don’t want to ask where Jessica’s dad is. I haven’t been able to find a red room but Jessica said I can come around again next week so I’ll have another look. Jessica’s mum seems too nice, like Julia, to have a red room.

Samantha E Wills

Friday, 12 February 2010

24 November 1994

My friend is called Jessica. She lives at the other side of the village. I think she is my friend because she seems to like me and I like spending time with her at school. She is very funny and she makes me laugh a lot. Today we were playing crab football in the hall because it was raining. It was girls against boys. Mrs. Price said I was very good at it. I kicked the ball to Jessica and she scored a goal. She started jumping around and poked her tongue out at the boys! I wanted to join in but Mrs. Price told her off. Afterwards she smiled though and said that the girls had won. Jessica says I can go round her house for tea but I have to ask Julia first. I’ve never been to anyone’s house before but I think I’d like to. But I’m nervous. Will her parents have a red room? I don’t know if I want to go. I should go downstairs and ask Julia what she thinks but she might say no before I get to that bit like auntie used to when I tried to ask her things. Julia’s not like auntie. I’ll ask her.

Samantha E Wills

Wednesday, 3 February 2010

20 November 1994

I start school tomorrow. I’m excited. I hope it is better than the last school. Mrs. Smeed says that it might be a bit strange fitting in but it must be better than my last school. I think no one knowing me might be a good thing. Mrs. Smeed says I can call her Julia from now on and I can call Mr. Smeed Arthur. It’s a bit strange calling an adult by their first name but I think I’ll get used to it. I quite like it. Julia has bought me a new school uniform. It has a dark grey skirt and tights like my old school but I’ve got a navy blazer and tie now instead of a red jumper. I like the blazer, it looks really smart. Auntie would never have let me wear something so nice. Julia’s also bought me a school bag and a new lunch box and pencil case. I never had such nice things before. Auntie would have taken them away. I can’t believe I’ve got a lunch box. At my old school I never had any lunch because auntie never gave me any to take or any money for school dinners. I’ve got lots of bright coloured pencils and pens, a rubber, a ruler, and Julia also bought me a pretty notepad with a flower on the front. I hope I make some friends tomorrow. But I’ve always got Julia now.

Samantha E Wills

Sunday, 17 January 2010

12 November 1994

I haven’t described Mrs. Smeed in my diary yet. She is quite tall with a kind face. She wears floaty dresses a lot. She and Mr. Smeed have been married for sixteen years she said. They have been fostering for most of that time too. At the moment I am the only one here but she says they have had up to three children staying with them before. Mrs. Smeed asked if I wanted Joe or Gemma and Louise to stay with us. I told her NO! I hate them. They were as bad as auntie. Joe always bullied me and hit me. Auntie told them to. I don’t want any of them staying here. I want to never see them again. I told Mrs. Smeed and she got scared how upset I got. I didn’t mean to worry her but she is nice, Mr. Smeed is nice, the house is pretty and I can go to a nice school away from my cousins. They always used to lead the others in bullying me at school. They wouldn’t leave me alone even there. I want nothing to do with them. Finis. (I heard that word on the TV last night and quite like it. It’s French so Mr. Smeed said) Mrs. Smeed said they won’t be staying here if I don’t want them. No. I don’t want them. They can all go to hell. I want to forget they were ever in my life. I will make myself forget. Then the bad dreams will stop. Mrs Smeed says she and Mr. Smeed are here to look after me now.

Samantha E Wills